So I stopped.
I stopped meditating on my own. I stopped reading scriptures. I stopped putting my hand on my heart and listening to the little girl within me, I stopped eating, I stopped drinking all the water that I was doing so good with, I stopped checking in with my sponsor, I stopped doing my daily gratitude check in. I literally just stopped everything and experienced my kids. They are fun MOST of the time, so we would just create more and more fun. And every week or so it would all pile up and I would have to take a day off. Two weeks ago, that day-off happened to fall right on Sunday. I felt no shame, I just took the day off for crying and self-care and didnt go to church or do anything that I didnt want to do.
But the red flag appeared when the following Friday I was already looking forward to another "self-care Sunday". Wait a minute!!! This was supposed to be a ONE TIME THING! Church is important to me and I have worked hard to get back to a good place in my heart to be able to receive from Heavenly Father while I am there. I DO NOT want to give all that up.
So, I did some self-evaluation and realized that this way of life was not sustainable. I need to come back to being present, come back to feeling my emotions, and most of all, come back to my connection with myself and my Heavenly Father. Okay I realized that, but then still, nothing happened. Nothing changed. I just kept running with my sweet children, to the splash park, to the water park, to the mall, to the other mall, to the sports store, to the indoor jungle gym, to the outdoor jungle gym, to this park, to that park.... and in between I will go to yoga and teach yoga, because those are fun and still feed my soul... and if anything, they were completely keeping me afloat.
So last Sunday I just let it all out. I went to church. I cried to my Bishop about my hard lot in life. About how I am tired of being the chain breaker. I cried at my recovery meeting, about the same things. I cried to my husband and cried before and after and during church. It was a feeling day. And it was so beautiful to just BE where I was and just embrace the mess for what it is.
Come Monday, nothing happened... I still felt exhausted in morning time, didn't get up early, didnt have a sacred hour, and dove right back into good ol' life. Monday was almost over and I realized,
I knew it was time, I had to just force myself. So I did. And I was amazed at what I found in my sacred time. I had let this go on so long (a few weeks in a slump is like a relapse of trauma recovery to me!!) that I found my thoughts centering around hopelessness and even suicide! Hello!! I haven't gone there in FOREVER! It was a relief to just feel the feelings, think the thoughts, and let them flow and let them go. They did flee more quickly than in the past.
So, it was a little meditation here, a little private yoga there. A few scriptures or bible videos here, a few hymns and extra prayers there. And slowly, I am digging my way back to the path of surrender and bliss.