Then things started getting better. Little by little. Two steps forward, one step back. And my heart softened. I saw things that were concerning, I would get triggered, I could write about those things but my posts, and my feelings, were never dripping with the hatred of that first 6 months or so...
So, to write my true feelings now...Now that we are SO DISTANT... Now that there is so much pain AGAIN... has been a huge hesitation. But this is my place. This is my blog. So write, I will.... My own feelings. Not a subliminal message to my husband. Just me, and what I am going through, and how I am feeling.
So...everything has changed again. My anger is back in full swing. The emotional honesty in my marriage is all but gone. "Issues" have been expressed to me in a resentful, controlling way, more than once. And though I might say I have felt some really connected moments in the last 3 weeks, the overarching feelings I have are anger, and those connected moments have been fleeting. I feel just like I did all those years where he was in full-blown addiction mode and I was the naive-supportive wife. I am not naive this time, and he is sober, but the emotional disconnection is parallel, it feels exactly the same.
I learned some things. Actually I have learned a lot of things. I am currently rewriting my boundaries. I realized how hard I was holding onto the marriage and still doing most of the work to ensure a family and marriage that I need. My boundaries laid out A-Z on good husbandry and Patriarchy and even though the consequences were all truth, I do feel unsafe when I don't have this or that, it left very little room for him to define what kind of father or husband he wanted to be. I tried to force him to be the husband and father that HE wanted to be, but hurry up about it and tell me exactly what I can expect... That was the basic tone I think. And it was codependent.
Codependent meaning, I was focusing too much on him, and not enough on my own health, self-care, foundation, roles, healing, beauty, life, fun, freedom and agency.
In fact, the cruelty I felt from some of his boundaries, as well as some of his other fancy papers he has given me since then, made me turn off emotionally. It broke every trust that I had for him except for the sobriety part. (weird huh...) He has been really consistent in his progressive victory over lust. He has been really honest, really hard working, really absorbed in recovery efforts. That's what I trust. But it made me question every nice thing he has ever said to me. Every kind action. Every supportive word. Because it feels like he just hates my guts underneath it all. It feels like he was smiling on the outside and flipping me off on the inside, forever.
In his disclosure he admitted to doing that our whole marriage. Blaming me for everything to justify his addictive behaviors as a victim to my...to use his own terms... "emotional abuse." Really I thought that disclosure, when he answered all my questions about the past, was the beginning of a new relationship. I believe in change. I believe in recovery. I believe in the Atonement so much that I didn't need to see consistency in all the nice things he was saying. I took his word for everything he said. If you read that post, you will hear the hope. But you will also hear the fear. I knew God didn't give me the fear. I knew God wasn't warning me. But maybe my own intuition was begging to see his words in action before jumping back in....
He said things like how much he liked that I was feisty and passionate when we were dating and that he hopes I will allow that part of myself to resurface. ( something I buried with him because he shut down).
Things like the fact that he realized that all the time when he thought I was emotionally abusing him, he realized he was emotionally abusing himself.
Things like, you can continue to bring up things as you need, within reason, for clarification and healing.
Doesn't it sound nice?
I now feel like a flip switched in me and part of me died. I don't feel like I got the beautiful picture he painted that day.
Recently, I gave him a slip of paper. It said quite a few more words, I addressed emotional dishonesty, but at the end it said something like this:
I need to be a different person just as much as he does.
I need distance so that I can be me, I can learn to love myself and my life again. I need it so I can figure out who I am. Actually, I think i know who I am.
I have increased my self-care so much. I couldn't do all these lofty goals without self care. Having my husband in the other room is a devastating fact that could leave me in my bed every day all day. It hurts. I hate it. I absolutely hate it.
But with self-care, and self-love, and gentleness, and determination to heal, and spirituality, and the grace of the Savior, I am becoming someone new. I am free. Free from the responsibility of saving the marriage. I had to detach from the marriage, not just from my husband.
So, my personal-practice yoga class started this week. My yoga teacher training starts at the end of September. I've began diving into Kundalini Yoga as well, which all I know right now is the kirtan krya but I meditate ALMOST every day. I am going to become a yoga teacher!!! Isn't that exciting!! I have no idea where this journey leads actually. Maybe I will hate being a teacher! who knows :) But I am doing it. I am diving in with two feet. And I LOVE yoga.
My husband asked, and maybe you are wondering too....
There are lots of reasons. Reasons I have told him and reasons I haven't told him. For one, the grass is not greener on the other side and I know that. For another, I have no way to support myself and my kids right now, that is no secret. It would be foolish and we would have to live with someone and everyone in my family is toxic. But really.... I don't WANT to be divorced from him. I WANT things to work out. I just KNOW they cannot work out they way we have gone so far.
I don't want to be married to a mirror. I don't want to be married to a stuffed animal. I don't want to be married to a little boy. I want to be married to a man. Let him be whoever he will be.
Maybe, when we both figure out somewhat who we are as individuals, we can come together and build a healthy marriage. Or maybe we wont like each other anymore. That is the risk we run when we both have identities and never knew those identities when we made the decision to get married to each other. I act like there is no fear, but there is. But i also choose not to dwell on it. (I do self-care, like I said before, or else i would be in bed all day every day...)