But last night I received ANOTHER disclosure and then H met with the Stake President and lost his temple recommend... and he can't take sacrament... and he isn't able to use his priesthood.
And now, I am feeling.
I have wanted this in the past. I have really wished that he would receive some disciplinary action through the church. I often said, "If the church had done it, I may not have had to." Which maybe is a twisted way of thinking about it. But I really think I may not have had to kick him out, and may not have needed that amount of separation for safety because I think he would've gotten more serious about recovery. But now, here we are. Everything comes full circle. And it's almost like he HAD to experience this in order to reach his full potential. It's almost like he is receiving discipline for ALL his actions, not just the ones that transpired in the last two weeks. It's like he never fully gave it up, even though he was sober for a year this time.
It is hard to explain how I feel as a wife. Because I have WANTED this.
But there is a little pride I think. Even though his actions have ALWAYS warranted some sort of discipline (in my mind), I also am running up against the old expectation I went into the marriage with. The idea that MY husband would NEVER lose his privileges. I don't know if it is a pride thing, or just a disappointment at where we are. I had SUPER high expectations of us as a married couple and as a family when we got married. We talked about opening an orphanage. We talked about traveling to another country and doing some sort of service. We talked about non-profit organizations and conquering the world together. But we are now minimized to this. A young struggling family, living paycheck to paycheck, in survival mode for (lets face it) MOST of our marriage, and now my husband is back in the throws of addiction.
I have a lot of surrendering to do today.
Most of all, I need to continually remind myself that none of this is really true.
The story I just told you about "Who" we are. "Who" I am. It isn't really true. It is all part of this human experience. But I am not just a human.
Last night before my husband got home, in between the disclosure and subsequent loss of temple recommend, my oldest daughter came tip-toeing out of her room. I asked her what she was doing. She said she was afraid, and she felt "alone". (She's 5, isn't that interesting for a 5 year old to know how it feels to feel "alone" even though the house is full of our family? and interesting considering that is EXACTLY how I have been feeling all week.) I went into her room with her and laid her back down. We talked a few minutes and then I told her I would sing a meditation to her while she went to sleep. I did the "Ma" meditation, which is a kundalini meditation where, as it is said,
"Your soul becomes the child, and the universe becomes the mother."
In Mormon language, that means you get to connect with the divine Mother, or Heavenly Mother. It really does help with loneliness. I really believe in her and I believe she is involved in our lives more than we could ever know.
As I sang this chant to her, immediately I felt like I had opened the veil to heaven, straight into my home. I felt like hundreds of angels, heavenly beings full of light, were coming into our home and filling up every room. I felt completely safe and completely NOT ALONE. And my sweet daughter was asleep in moments.
I know who I am. And I am not afraid of my feelings. I am a spiritual being going through a human experience. And I have help. Lots of help.